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Welcome back!!
We'll bet there have been some exciting
developments in your house lately.
First teeth? First steps? Didn't you just melt the first time they put up
their little arms to be picked up?!?! By now your family will have settled down into
some sort of predictable routine, and the disorganisation that can
accompany the first few stages are
over, which is just as well because TA DA! If your bundle of joy is now
walking you are officially in ...the toddler stage.
EXPECTATIONS OF THIS STAGE
Expectations of ourselves:
At about the same time that your toddler is developing a need for increased
independence, you probably are too. Remember the changes that you went through
(and are probably still experiencing to some degree) adjusting to the new
identity of mother, and the parts of you that you left behind for a while? Now
that you have (a little) more time and energy you might find yourself
daydreaming about a life outside your neighbourhood.
At this stage many parents are exploring
child care options and considering returning to work part-time. If you haven't
experienced it already, any of these thoughts are usually accompanied by a
dollop of guilt.
Up until now you have been connected so closely to your baby that you sometimes
feel as if you were one, and so making arrangements to spend some "me
time" away from your child may take as much adjustment for you as it does
for them.
Remember though, at this stage toddlers naturally need some independence, so it
is not such a bad thing for each of you to spend some time apart. If you don't
have a job to return to, or didn't like the career that you left, now might be a
good time to invest in re-training for your next career. If paid work (as
opposed to all the unpaid work you have been doing!) is the last thing on your
mind, you might choose to use your "me time" to catch up on all the
important things that you simply haven't had the time and energy to deal
with...like getting in shape, picking up an old hobby, or learning a new skill.
If you choose to return to the work-force it is important to use part of your
"me time" for yourself so you can establish some balance where you are
meeting your own needs as well as the needs of your child, partner, and
employer.
Expectations of our partners:
One of the most stressful issues and sources of conflict
between partners that surfaces in the toddler stage is the issue of discipline
and what is considered acceptable or unacceptable children's behaviour. At times
arguments between couples over discipline can get so heated that it is easy to
lose sight of the child's behaviour that prompted the argument in the first
place. Arguments are unpleasant for all involved, and especially distressing for
our children if the argument is ABOUT them. Children often feel that they have
caused the conflict, when in fact it is up to us as adults and parents to learn
how to resolve our differences amicably. Now that the sleep deprivation is
(mostly) behind us, and our toddlers aren't as needy as they were, it is a good
time to put some energy into working as a team to bring up our children. If your
relationship needs some TLC in order to do this, refer to the "Couple
Support" section for more help.
Toddlers are by nature great experimenters - they are testing
the boundaries of their physical, mental and emotional capabilities, and waiting
for a response from us. Because they are experimenting, they are likely to make
many mistakes, and it is partly from mak ing mistakes that they learn how to do things differently.
Methods of discipline is one issue that it makes sense to find an agreement on. If we
can provide our toddlers with a supportive framework in which to experiment and
make mistakes they will learn much more easily.
Young children like some
structure and
predictability and are confused by conflicting methods of discipline. Now is a good time to discuss with your partner your ideas
about what you consider to be appropriate discipline. There are many good
resources available on this subject. Perhaps you could read a book each and take
some time to discuss the merits of each.
At the same time that we want to discipline our children we
also want to develop our relationships with them. We are laying the foundations
now for how our relationships will be in 10, 20 or 50 years time. If you have a
close and loving relationship with your own parents, then you may have never
given this a second thought. If not, then it might help you to reflect on how
you were raised and why you are not close with your own parent/s so you can make
sure history doesn't repeat itself with your own children.
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Expectations of our toddlers:
The toddler stage can be a really tricky one. It seems that overnight, your
snuggly, cuddly agreeable baby has turned into a wilful, stubborn little person
with a big attitude. A toddler's favourite word seems to be "No".
This attitude is entirely normal and, in the scheme of
things, a desirable one. Over the toddler period, your child is negotiating the
balance between his/her need for closeness and approval from you with their need to be
independent human beings. Any help from you during this stage will assist them
in this transition an d can have an effect on how they operate in later years. If
you support your toddler in gaining their independence, they will eventually be
independent adults. If you smother them too much, they may
never outgrow their dependency...and you may never get a life back
!!!
On the other hand, if you push your child away when they are seeking
closeness this will cause them anxiety. We all have times when we need closeness
and times when we need distance. As adults we can learn to ask for what we need.
The trick for us parents at this stage is to learn to be sensitive to our
toddler's needs - to "read" our child, so we can best provide them
with what they need when they need it.
SOME SUGGESTIONS
"Discipline" literally
means "training to act in accordance with rules" according to the
Macquarie Dictionary. Discipline doesn't necessarily mean punishment. Common
disciplinary methods include: time out (taking a child away from an activity for
a period of time), natural and logical consequences (what will likely happen if
they continue their behaviour) and revoking privileges (taking away their
favourite toy for a while). If we think of discipline as a positive opportunity
to teach our children rather than just as negative punishment, then the whole
subject won't be as stressful for us.
An example of the steps you might take
to discipline your child in a way that takes care of all your needs is as follows:
- Take
a deep breath and get yourself under control first (this can often be the
hardest step!). If we discipline out of anger or frustration we are likely
to skip discipline entirely and jump straight into punishment. Take whatever
time you need and look after yourself first. It might be a few moments of
deep breathing or a 10 minute phone call to a sympathetic friend.
- Validate
your child's feelings ("I bet you're feeling pretty angry/sad/hurt
about that"). Your aim here is to be sympathetic and help your child
identify what they are feeling. The angriest children are the ones who
can't get in touch with their deeper feelings of sadness or hurt, or
can't put words to their feelings.
- Set
limits ("In our house we don't hit, we use our words" or "when
it's cold we have to wear a jumper"). Be firm but gentle. Here is your
opportunity to teach right from wrong, and instil values into your little
person.
- Give
choices ("Do you want to wear the blue one or the green one?"). Empower
your child by giving him/her a say in what goes.
- Give
consequences ("If you don't wear a jumper you won't be able to go out
and play"). Consequences need to make sense to a child or they just become
a meaningless punishment.
Sometimes it is just enough to do step one, two and/or
three. Often all children are looking for is attention and validation. Attention
is a valid need for a child. If you don't give them enough positive attention
(ie. let them know when when they are doing things RIGHT), then they will likely
seek attention in negative
ways).
Disciplining children in the above way makes them think about things and work
things out for themselves, which increases their confidence, self-esteem and
ability to function responsibly and independently.
Well, if you've made it this far, you've survived the
toddler stage. And although we're sure it's had its challenges, we'll bet
there's been even more rewards. It won't be long before your toddlers are off to
school, so make the most of the time that you have with them at home and we'll
see you in the next stage.
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RESOURCES:
Web sites:
There are a number of on-line parenting courses.
Books:
"The Best Friend's Guide to Toddlers"
- Vicki Iovine
"The Essential Partnership" - Stanley Greenspan
"The Emotional Life of the Toddler"
- Alicia F. Lieberman
"Kids Are Worth It!" - Barbara
Coloroso
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