RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS

According to a recent study, one in five couples believed that having a baby led to the breakdown of their marriage. Startling figures when most couples believe that having a baby will "complete them" or "seal their love". Many factors contribute to relationship breakdown, including the following:

Developmental psychology breaks down people's growth into developmental stages - from infancy to adulthood. Each stage is marked by particular milestones in learning, ability and physical characteristics. Likewise, relationships can be broken down into stages. There are different theories, but they can be described simplistically as the "romance" stage, the "power-struggle" stage, and the "mature love" stage. The romance stage happens when a couple meet and "fall in love". They make themselves attractive, act nicely and friendly, are interested to know more about the other person, and relish in physical intimacy. Essentially, they present their "best sides" to each other, and this the person their partner falls in love with. This is not a deliberate attempt to be secretive or manipulative, we all do it - it's human nature. We may have spent a lot of time in the romance stage agreeing with our partner and most of our conversations are spent finding out what we have in common. We make assumptions that because we have a lot in common we are a lot alike - sometimes so alike that we have found our "soul mate". Alternatively if it was a case of "opposites attract", we feel that where our partners are different to us, they balance us out or "complete us".

After a time however, we naturally start to relax, we are not on our "best behaviour" all the time and as we spend more time together our partners start to see more of who we are, both good and bad - essentially a more "rounded" picture of our personality. We may have spent the early part of our relationship sacrificing time with people, things or activities that we didn't share in order to spend more time together, but now that we have settled down into couple-dom, we feel safe enough to drift back a little towards the life we had before, until we find a balance that suits us between spending time together and spending time apart. Sometimes, however our idea of "balance" does not suit our partners. Whilst in the romance stage we also sacrificed our needs somewhat in order to meet the needs of our partner, we now might find that we are feeling a bit resentful and so we start to assert our own needs again. Thus we have entered the "power struggle" stage.

Many people decide to end relationships in the power struggle stage, believing that their partner has "changed" or that they no longer "have anything in common". They might meet someone new, enjoy the romance phase again and feel blissfully happy and think that they have done the right thing. Until approximately two years later, when THAT relationship goes into the power struggle stage...

Thus, the power struggle stage challenges us with issues that if not successfully negotiated can lead to the demise of the relationship. If this stage is successfully negotiated, however, we will graduate into the "mature love" stage. Mature love is based on things like respect, friendship and equality and is underpinned by mutual goals and values. Negotiating goals and values can be a messy business initially - it can cause confusion, despair and frustration. If a couple can learn how to communicate cleanly, and have a willingness to participate in a real partnership however, the more issues that are raised and negotiated along the way, the stronger and more fulfilling the relationship will be.

Having a baby can compound the power struggle stage. Episodes of severe depression will challenge any couple. Sleep deprivation, stress and physical exhaustion will do the same. There are a myriad of circumstances that can lead parents into conflict. Conflict looks different in different families. In one household might mean a difference of opinion which leaves each partner feeling a bit miffed for a while, and then blow over pretty quickly. In another it might mean a couple that don't speak to each other for days. In some it might result in physical injuries to one or both partners. When we are feeling angry or sad we often retreat to a childhood state and act out accordingly. The trick is to feel the feeling, but manage the behaviour. This may sound easy in theory, but is very difficult in actuality. For some people it can take a lot of self discipline not to lose control when they are angry or sad. Seeing or hearing their parent/s out of control is terrifying for a young child, so for their sake, for your sake and for the sake of your family, get some help if you need it.

Even worse is what can also happen later on, when the child gets older and starts to assert their own needs is that the partners, rather than addressing the problems between them, start to blame the child. The child becomes the scapegoat, and any unresolved resentment, anger or depression, rather than being dealt with within the partnership, is directed towards the child.

There are times when it is best for parents to separate. If the parental relationship is abusive, or there are serious addiction issues then separation is sometimes advisable. These issues are best explored in counselling and we encourage you to thoroughly explore these issues before you make any decisions. Even an amicable divorce can be distressing for a child. The family unit that your child is born into is their safety-net. When this net is cut in half, a child can feel lost, abandoned, depressed, angry, confused and/or out of control. The chances are they are feeling exactly the same feelings you are, but may have trouble talking about their feelings. Many children will act out accordingly - they may become aggressive, withdrawn, moody or tearful - and often swing backwards and forth. Sometimes the distress is held inside the child, and becomes a problem later on in life.

When we become parents we have an obligation to our babies to do our best to raise them in a safe and happy environment. If this means learning skills like patience, how to communicate effectively, how to tolerate bad feelings without exploding, then so be it. We need to learn how to operate as an adult so that our children can enjoy being children...but we don't need to do it alone.

RESOURCES:

Books:

The Couple's Journey - Susan M. Campbell

Rebuilding - Dr Bruce Fisher

Programs:

"Rainbows" is an excellent program run by Interrelate for children who have suffered loss through death, separation, divorce or abandonment. "Rebuilding" is for adults who are rebuilding their lives following separation or divorce. For more information visit www.interrelate.org.au

Disclaimer: The information contained in this web-site is of a general nature only, and is not meant to be used as advice for individual problems. If you have particular concerns about yourself, your partner or your child you should seek support from a professional counsellor or health practitioner. The author does not take any responsibility for the effects of your use of this information.