NEWBORN SUPPORT

Congratulations, Newborn Mum and Dad!

Having a baby is a real rite of passage. You and your partner have just created a family and thus entered a new phase of your life. How you adjust your relationship with each other and to your new roles as a parents will partly be influenced by the expectations you had up until now...

EXPECTATIONS

What were your expectations of the birth, your partner, yourself as a parent?

Expectations of Birth:

Whilst most births go according to plan, it doesn't hurt to also expect the unexpected. Sometimes factors contribute to make the situation out of your control and you just have to go with what is best for you and your baby. If you haven't already had your baby, make sure you both do an ante-natal class that will educate you about the process of birth, and also prepare you as much as possible for life with a newborn (and I don't just mean how to change nappies!). Make a birth plan and discuss it with your midwife or doctor so they know your wishes.

The more prepared you are, the more confident and relaxed you will feel, which in itself helps the birth process. Be prepared, however, that there might be a point where things get beyond your control. If this is the case, have some special things planned for after the birth that you DO have control over if everything else goes out the window. For instance, you could celebrate with a glass of champagne or hot chocolate, Mum could put on a special night-gown and/or you could get someone to take your first family photo.

If you have already had your baby, and the birth did not go according to plan, it might take longer than you expected to recover, both physically and emotionally. The experience of birth for some woman, as well as for their partners can be overwhelming, in some cases even traumatic. If there were complications, if something went wrong, or if your baby wasn't thriving for any reason it could mean a period of adjustment for the two of you. If this is the case, try to share your story with supportive friends and family members. Sharing negative experiences lessens their impact on us and has a healing effect. If you feel you and/or your partner need more support around this issue go back to the home page and choose "Extra Support".

Expectations of Motherhood:

Becoming a mother can mean different things to different people. It can be exciting, anxiety provoking and exhausting at different times, and sometimes all at once! Whilst our pop culture portrays the pregnant mother as a glowing creature confidently preparing her completely dust-free nursery chock-full of brand new goodies, the reality is that it is not unusual for expectant mums to feel some anxiety about how having a baby is going to affect their lives, and whether they have what it takes to care for a baby, both practically and emotionally.

Motherhood for some of us comes naturally, but for the rest of us it means learning new skills and finding new qualities inside of ourselves that we didn't know existed. Skills can be learnt, modified and improved on. Learning means making mistakes and then doing things differently. In the early days this can feel like being disorganised or out of control, but it is perfectly natural to make mistakes, and things will get better, the more you get the hang of it. Be gentle on yourself, you are doing your best and in time and with practice you will do better.

One of the hardest things about being a new mother can be having to make decisions that affect the wellbeing of your new baby based on limited information and a big lack of confidence. Don't worry too much - there is nobody in the world who loves your baby more than you do - therefore there is nobody in the world who is better qualified to look after him or her. You can learn all you need to know and more in terms of mothercraft skills. Just give yourself some time - take a deep breath - and RELAX!

Expectations of Ourselves as Mothers:

For any woman who is used to seeing herself as being in control, organised, pro-active and/or assertive in their BC (before Child) days, it can come as a huge shock to find themselves blubbering incomprehensible marshmallows a few weeks AD (after delivery). Sleep deprivation will do that to anyone. Don't worry, YOU ARE STILL NORMAL, just a different type of normal.

You haven't changed your "self", just put some old skills aside for a while because your priorities and focus has changed, and that means developing some new skills (and attitudes, and resources). Some of those old skills will still be needed - eg. delegation, time management and negotiation all have their place in motherhood and you will probably find that the additional motherhood skills you develop - eg. patience, determination and quick thinking will come in handy in just about any vocation that you may choose to take up afterwards. For the time being however, the first skill you might need is to PRIORITISE: what is most important right now in this early stage of the game? Chances are it is to take the best possible care of yourself and your baby - that means eating well, getting as much rest as you can and getting as much support as possible from your partner, family and friends (remember to thank them lots so they keep it coming!).

Expectations of Fatherhood:

What are your expectations of life with a newborn? How involved do you think you will be with your baby - what do you expect to do and what do you expect your partner to do? In the first few months, especially if your partner is breast-feeding, you will probably find that apart from changing nappies and holding the baby there is little that you can do. It is not uncommon for new fathers to feel a little left out. Although it might seem to you that you are not doing much, this is valuable bonding time as far as your newborn is concerned where they are getting used to your voice, touch and smell.

Many mothers are a bit anxious about their abilities especially in the first few months, but sometimes are afraid to admit it. The most important thing new fathers can do, apart from helping to care for their adorable babies, is to support their partner's efforts in parenting. According to Wendy leBlanc in her book "Naked Motherhood" a big factor in a new mother's self-esteem is her partner's attitude towards her. Put simply, if her partner is supportive of her, she is more likely to feel good about being a mother and if he is not, she may not. Take some time to discuss with your partner how you can support her in her new role. This will be different for different women. Some feel supported by being appreciated with words, some by having a cup of tea made for them.

Probably the hardest thing for a new father to do is to be empathic to his partner's feelings when he doesn't necessarily understand them. The challenge for some new fathers is to put aside their problem-solving skills and learn to give emotional support to their partners. Often, women don't want answers to their problems, they just want someone to listen to them talk, and in the talking they find their own solutions. Sometimes they don't want solutions at all - but what they do want is the opportunity to talk things through until they access their deeper emotions, at which point they want a demonstration that no matter how they are feeling that you care for them. Sometimes a hug or a shoulder to cry on is enough.

Sometimes new mothers are so anxious to show the world that they are coping really well that they try to do everything themselves, and inadvertently deprive fathers of valuable baby-bonding time. If this is the case, try to talk to your partner about how you feel. Let her know that you would like to be included. Chances are she was so preoccupied with her new responsibilities that she had no idea that she was leaving you out.

Expectations of our changing relationships:

When we have a child the dynamics of our relationship with our partners also changes. Previously the relationship was about balancing the needs of two equal partners. Now it is about balancing the needs of two equal partners and one dependant baby. BC our partner's needs were as important (and sometimes more important) than our own. When baby comes along, all of a sudden, baby is No.1 and Dad is helping Mum to look after baby.

This sudden change of status quo can take some adjustment on both your parts. For example, if your partner bought into the pop-culture myth that all mothers should be able to look after a newborn, keep a perfect house and have a three course dinner on the table every night, they are likely to be disappointed (or you will nearly kill yourself trying!). If you expected that your partner would help you with all the new chores you have, and they don't, then you will be sorely disappointed. Conversely, if you expected (and wanted) sole responsibility for the care of your baby and your partner tries to help, you might feel that your partner is intruding. Try to discuss your expectations of each other as early as possible so you all have time to adjust to the reality of the situation. Gently address any of your partner's expectations of you and examine your own expectations of them.

If you want help, ask for it. If you want help and don't ask for it, you will likely feel resentful, but your partner is not a mind-reader. If you suspect your partner is feeling a bit neglected, reassure them that they are important to you. Don't forget your partner's feelings in all of this - they may be feeling a little left out and are probably sleep deprived as well. Remember to keep the lines of communication open and try to keep a sense of humour. At the end of the day one of the very, very best things you can do for your baby at any stage of their development is to have a great relationship with their other parent, so make your relationship a priority.

It is not unusual to find that after you have a baby your circle of friends can also change. When you have young children it's just easier to maintain friendships with other people who have young children - you know their houses are child-friendly, they have the same activities and visit the same places. If you don't have friends in the area, now is a good time to join some sort of group, maybe an antenatal social or exercise group and foster some new friendships now with people who will have children that can also be your child's friends. This is also the perfect time to re-establish friendships with people you lost contact with because THEY had babies. A network of close girlfriends who are at the same life stage as you can be like a lifeline in times of need.

Expectations of our changing patterns of life:

In this early stage, the pattern of any new mother's day to day life will be determined by your Baby, and this can mean that each day is different, so any planning you do will most probably go out the window. If your new baby sleeps most of the day, then you should too, or rest at least. Labour and delivery can be exhausting for both mother (and father) and baby so the first few weeks of a baby's life are best spent resting, recuperating and bonding. If your new baby hardly sleeps at all, you may spend most of your day with your baby in your arms - this makes EVERYTHING difficult - including showering, getting dressed, cleaning your teeth (are you getting the idea?!!).

Feelings of being overwhelmed, out of control, frustrated and exhausted and bored are common. Make sure you have someone at home with you for the first couple of days/weeks or at least a couple of hours a day, even if it is just to hold the baby so you can get dressed and feed yourself. Try to have a good support system in place as soon as possible - cook and freeze meals when you have the time and energy so they are ready when you don't, put your favourite take-away menus somewhere handy, ask friends and/or family to give you a hand with the housework or run errands for you so you can concentrate on your priorities - nesting and resting.

New fathers often have an image in their mind of returning home from a stressful day at work to the warm cocoon of home and family, where they can relax and recuperate after a hard day. The reality for most fathers is that they are met at the door by a frantic and/or exhausted wife who is desperate for some adult conversation and/or some loving arms in which to deposit the baby so she can have some time to herself and/or a big hug and/or a shoulder to cry on. Most men feel somewhat overwhelmed by all this (and justifiably so!). What can happen is that partners get into a competition of who does more, and who needs more time off.

The reality of the situation is that you BOTH need "down time" - time to relax or exercise and switch off from your responsibilities, whether they be at work or at home. Try to discuss with your partner ways that you can each get your down time. Perhaps you can stop for a period of time on your way home from work to unwind. If your partner knows she will have the same opportunity, she may be willing to wait for it. Perhaps the two of you can take your baby for a walk together, or take turns.

SOME SUGGESTIONS:

	Try to adjust your expectations as you go and maybe bring them down a notch or two.
	Identify your needs eg. the need for practical support (food and help around the house) and emotional support (someone to talk to, hug you, share a laugh with or a shoulder to cry on)
	Gather together a support system - which friends/family/resources can you muster to help with the above?
	Be kind to yourself - often our worst critic is the one inside of us.
	Keep the lines of communication with your partner open - let them know how things are going for you (be honest) and ask them how they are going.
	Keep it simple: all your baby needs at this stage is milk (breast or formula), sleep, a clean nappy and lots of cuddles. You cannot spoil a newborn baby, and very young babies need to be close to their parents - so go ahead and indulge!!!

For now just try to relax and enjoy the newborn stage. Some nights it feels like its going to go on forever, but looking back it will pass very, very quickly. We'll see you in a couple of months in the next stage...INFANCY

RESOURCES:

Web sites:

www.mumstheword.com.au and www.dadstheword.com - also has a video available for new Dads.

www.bccf.bc.ca (the BC Council for families - a Canadian site with lots of relevant articles, especially in the "Couple Relationships" section)

Books:

If you haven't come across these books during your pregnancy, they are still worth borrowing for your first few weeks post-pregnancy:

"The Best Friends Guide to Pregnancy" - Vicki Iovine

"What to Expect When You're Expecting" - Arlene Eisenberg, Heidi E. Murkoff and Sandee E. Hathaway

Disclaimer: The information contained in this web-site is of a general nature only, and is not meant to be used as advice for individual problems. If you have particular concerns about yourself, your partner or your child you should seek support from a professional counsellor or health practitioner. The author does not take any responsibility for the effects of your use of this information.