QUESTION ONE:
Your partner wants to try and change your 2 week old
baby's nappy. You:
A)
Don't let him within 10 ft of the baby
B) Let him have a go, see he's messing
it
up, and take over telling him
he "doesn't
do it right"
C) Watch with amusement as he struggles
with it, but know that he will
improve with practice
D)
Say "Great, thanks" and leave him to it
Remember how you felt the first time you changed your baby's nappy
- maybe a
bit nervous and like you were all thumbs? It takes some time to learn any new
skill, but the more practice you get the better you are. The same rules apply
here. Let your partner help in any way they want - it is just as important for
your baby to have day to day interaction with the both of you, it means that you
get to finish that cup of tea you made an hour ago, and if you let your
partner help you will feel grateful towards them, if you don't you might feel
resentful - so C or D is best.
QUESTION TWO:
You can tell your partner is sick of eating spaghetti four nights in a row, but
you just can't seem to find the time and energy to fix something different. He
looks at the dinner table and raises an eyebrow in question. You:
A)
Burst into tears and run out of the room
B)
Ignore him & spend dinner in silence
C)
Explain to him how little time you have & work out a couple
of
different ways you can get some food on the table quickly
and easily
D)
Throw the spaghetti at him
BC (Before Children) your partner's needs were probably
just as important to you as your own (or depending on how you were raised, even
more important). AD (After Delivery) however, your baby's needs all of a
sudden are number one, and your partner's relegated to number two (or three if
you are doing a really good job of looking after yourself). If you haven't
discussed this at all, this can be a big adjustment for your partner, and leave
them feeling a little left out, and dejected, especially if they don't know
how long this new pecking order is going to last. Some partners can start to
feel "used" at about this time - like they are only there to meet the
needs of you and the baby, and no-one cares about them.
Try to take some time to
talk about how the new status quo is going to affect your day to day lives.
Remember that this is only a temporary situation - life with a new baby can be
incredibly chaotic and it takes a while for things to settle down and the whole
family to find their daily rhythm. Every time baby's sleep patterns change,
the whole situation can be turned on its head again.
Try to communicate on a regular basis with your partner, it can be too easy just to let things build up
and then explode. Take responsibility for your feelings and how you express
them. By giving your partner a little at a time as the days go on, you avoid
throwing the spaghetti! So, keep the lines of communication open and go for C.
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QUESTION THREE:
You have just mastered breastfeeding your four week old
baby and life feels like its getting back to some sort of normality. You plan on
spending the next 6 months or so on redecorating the nursery now that you know the sex of your baby, continue breastfeeding, and spend as much spare time as
you can reading books on the emotional development of toddlers. Your husband is
starting to get nervous about the bills that have been mounting up since you
left your job and starts making hints about you going back to work. You:
A)
Scream hysterically "what are you talking about?!?!?"
B)
Feel guilty about not earning any money and start thinking
about weaning
the baby and browsing the "Positions Vacant"
ads
C) Calmly discuss the pros and cons of you looking for a
part-time job
D)
Tell him that whilst you understand his concerns, you think
that the baby is your
priority at the moment, see if you can
jointly find ways of saving money and
re-evaluate your
situation in six months time.
Very often we make assumptions about how our lives will be
lead, and assume that our partners will be in agreement with our decisions. Lack
of communication can lead to unrealistic expectations, or expectations not being
met resulting in anxiety and resentment.
It is vitally important that you discuss with your partner all along the way on
this journey you have taken together about what your expectations are, what you
see your options as being and how you think it best to negotiate them. So C or D
depending on how you feel about the situation, and what your plans are.
QUESTION FOUR:
Your day started at 4.00 this morning with a hungry baby.
You have been up twice since then because she hasn't settled. It's now 8.00
and you've had two attempts at making breakfast because every time you put the
baby down, she cries. Feeding her is taking close to two hours at a time because
she keeps falling asleep. It's 11.00 and you are still in your pyjamas.
You're too afraid to have a shower in case you don't hear her crying.
You're so stressed you've forgotten to eat lunch and the place is in a mess.
The afternoon is a repeat performance of the morning and you haven't had time
to fix dinner for tonight. Your partner gets home at 6.00 and makes a comment
about having a hard day at work. You:
A)
Go for the jugular
B)
Slump your shoulders in defeat, feel incredibly depressed and
think how
lucky he is to leave the house every day, but say
nothing
C)
Burst into tears
D)
Understand that you both have different but equally important
pressures
at the moment, and share a hug so you both feel
better
Your partner has probably never spent a whole day looking
after a small baby so they have no idea about the chaos and confusion and how
you can spend a whole day working non-stop but appearing that you have achieved
absolutely nothing. Looking after a small baby is like being thrown into the
deep end - you suddenly have a job where you have responsibility for something
very precious and demanding and unpredictable, but you have no training and no
trial run. And in fact, you HAVE achieved a lot. If you have managed to cater to
most of your baby's needs to be fed, clean and close to you for most of the day then you are doing your job BRILLIANTLY!! Remember though,
this time is a
period of adjustment for all three of you and your partner may need some comfort
or reassurance just as much as you do.
QUESTION FIVE:
You've just had your six week post-partum check up and
the doctor says it's OK for you to have sex again. You:
A)
Lie to your partner and say "The doctor says it's going to be
at
least 6 months before we can have sex again"
B)
Lie to your partner and say "The doctor says it's going to be
at
least 12 months before we can have sex again"
C)
Grit your teeth and hope for the best
D)
Buy a bottle of wine, some candles and a new CD
Many, many women aren't very excited at the prospect of
having sex EVER AGAIN after the birth of their gorgeous bundles, so don't feel
inferior if this is the case for you. The reason for this is a mixture of hormones, sore internal and external bits, exhaustion and feeling that
because
you are currently somewhere between being a machine and a cow you're just not
very sexy. The best thing you can do is discuss this with your partner, and let
them know how you feel and that you would really appreciate their patience. The
more patient and supportive they are, the more you will appreciate them and the more affectionate you will feel, and the more likely you will want to express
your affection for them...
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Disclaimer: The information contained in this web-site is of a
general nature only. If you have particular concerns about yourself, your
partner or your child you should seek out the support of a professional
counsellor or health practitioner.
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