MANAGING NEEDS

When a couple have a baby they become a family - and the dynamics of their relationship changes. Previously their relationship was the negotiation of the needs of two people. Now it is the negotiation of the needs of three or more people. Negotiating a new status quo can be awkward or uncomfortable, and if the couple don't communicate effectively, sometimes lead to conflict.

People have needs. We all have a basic need for food, water, safety and shelter in order to survive. Most of us also have needs for company, variety and a sense of purpose in order to be happy. When we are under stress we have additional needs for comfort and emotional support. Some needs are common to all of us, like the basic needs, and some are unique to us, like the need for structure or the need for variety, for example. When someone who has a need for structure partners someone who has a need for variety, if not somehow negotiated, can lead to conflict.

UNDERNEATH ANY ISSUE THERE ARE NEEDS.

INSTEAD OF ARGUING ABOUT THE ISSUE, FIND OUT WHAT THE NEEDS ARE –

YOURS, YOUR PARTNER'S, YOUR CHILD'S,

AND TALK INSTEAD ABOUT GETTING THOSE NEEDS MET

In order to better understand what is going on for our partners and be in a better position to give them the support that they need, it might help to look at the different ways in which having a child impacts on their lives. If our partners' needs are being met, they are better able to meet our needs, and the needs of our beautiful, precious baby. Some important needs are suggested below. What other needs are important to you and your partner?

Mothers need:

	Physical support: help with housework, food preparation and care of the baby
	Emotional support: to know how much you admire them for the work they are doing, to know that you recognise how hard it can sometimes be, and that they have your support

What other needs do you have?

Fathers need:

	Recognition for the work that they do for the benefit of the family
	Support in learning new skills that may be unfamiliar to them, and that you will be patient and appreciative of their efforts

What other needs do you have?

SOME SUGGESTIONS:

	Take responsibility for yourself. Work out what your needs are and if you need help getting those needs met. If you do, ask for help in getting those needs met - but make sure you do it in a way that does not place blame or judgement on the person you want help from. For example, "I really need some help preparing dinner tonight" is more effective than "you never help me, you're so lazy".
	Sometimes our basic needs have to be met before we can meet the "higher" needs. Make sure you are getting a good balance of rest and exercise, and eating well.
	Understand that whilst your partner's needs may be different from yours, they are equally important. This is not a competition.
	Sometimes you can sacrifice your own needs for a while in order to give additional support to someone else (eg. when you have a sick child), but try to give yourself, and each other a "recovery" period afterwards.

RESOURCES:

Web Sites:

www.todaysparent.com - a Canadian site has a section on new parent's needs in "Becoming a Parent" under "Support" and for single parents, "Solo Support"

www.goodbeginnings.net.au - an Australian organisation, the web site contains an article titled "An Investigation into Information and Resource Needs of New Parents"

Disclaimer: The information contained in this web-site is of a general nature only, and is not meant to be used as advice for individual problems. If you have particular concerns about yourself, your partner or your child you should seek support from a professional counsellor or health practitioner. The author does not take any responsibility for the effects of your use of this information.