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Welcome back!!!
How did you go with the Newborn stage? Aren't their
tiny little hands and feet just adorable! How are you feeling? By necessity you had
to devote most of your time & energy to the new baby (and we bet it was more
of both than you thought!). Hopefully things are settling down a bit now and you
can turn more of your attention to yourself and your partner. Are you ready for
the next stage?
EXPECTATIONS OF THIS STAGE
After the excitement and chaos of the newborn stage are
over there can be a feeling of relief. Phew, you made it through - well done!
Sometimes there are also feelings of anti-climax, boredom and frustration. You
have recovered from the birth, your beautiful baby is getting themselves somewhat
settled in and you are wondering how you are going to spend the
next little while - there are lots of things you want to do, but some days you
just don't have the time and energy. Now is a good time to focus on
nurturing yourself and your relationship with your partner and also thinking
ahead about what sort of parent you want to be for your baby.
Expectations of ourselves:
For
many women, becoming a mother creates a new self image. This image can be
based on many things and can take some time to emerge. Motherhood can affect all
aspects of our lives: our energy levels, our body image, our relationships, our
sexuality etc. and it can take some time to adjust to the changes in each of
these areas.
Some new mums think that if they manage to look after the baby, keep the house
clean and tidy, and prepare a three course dinner every night then that means
that they are coping well with becoming a mother. THIS MYTH WAS CREATED BY THE
PEOPLE THAT ARE TRYING TO SELL YOU BABY CARE STUFF, CLEANING STUFF AND
FOODSTUFFS! And whilst these women, their babies and their homes LOOK good, THEY
ARE EXHAUSTED!!!!! Some mothers can get really manic at this stage. If you find
yourself doing the housework at 3 am because you were awake anyway, you might
need some help! Conversely, if you find yourself feeling down or depressed for
extended periods, or are worried about any other aspects of motherhood, go back
to the homepage at any time to choose some extra support.
Your body has been through one of the biggest changes that
it is likely to experience in your lifetime and now is a good time to give it
some well earned T.L.C. It is vitally important at this stage that you eat well, especially if
you are breast feeding, so find some really-simple-wholesome-15-minute-or-less-recipes. Your baby is young enough at
this stage to sleep well in a pram, so if you can't stomach the idea of an
organised exercise routine, at least start taking a walk around the
neighbourhood as often as you can. This will give you practice in getting packed
and out of the house, help you get back into shape, get those endorphins (good
brain stuff) going, and give you the opportunity to meet other pram-pushers in
your local area. The depression that some women experience after having a baby
sometimes happens because they feel frumpy and/or isolated. Getting out and about
helps combat both of these. You must also give yourself permission to rest. Take a break
whenever you can squeeze it in to sleep or at least put your feet up. This is
how you re-charge your batteries so you can be energised when you need to be.
About this time it also dawns on some mothers that their status in society has
changed somewhat. You might be at a party and notice that the first question
everybody asks is "So what do you do?" In your previous life you
might have been able to start a conversation with "I'm a ...(whatever)", but saying
"I'm a mother..."
to a non-parent either ends the conversation quite abruptly or causes the other person's eyes
to glaze over really quickly.
You
might also start to feel just a little bit (or a lot) upset when BC (before Child)
no business colleague would let you wait for them more than fifteen minutes for
a meeting, but the washing machine repairman is happy to let you
wait for two hours without any hint of an apology. There is something about
waiting in supermarket queues with an over-tired infant that is a very humbling
experience. One new mother remarked that even though she was working a 24/7
shift at home, she felt like society was treating her like she was unemployed.
This feeling is not uncommon.
Speaking of working, at
about this time, you and your partner may have expectations that life will return to
normal. "Normal" might mean different things to each of you, however. Your
partner might expect you to return to work whereas you had planned to stay home.
Conversely, you might be ready to return to work, but your 
partner expects you
to stay home. If your haven't discussed this issue previously, or you had but you find your
attitude to returning to work has changed, make sure you talk about this as
early as possible so you and your partner can make adjustments accordingly.
Be
aware too that some
mothers who are struggling to find a sense of
"normal" in the chaos of looking after a small child can be tempted
to return to work earlier than planned, only to regret it later. Additionally,
at this stage babies routines can change fairly rapidly. We know mothers who
returned to work at this stage because their babies had settled into a nice
routine of sleeping through the night and predictable sleeps through the day (so
the babysitter could cope OK), only to find a few months later that their babies
had gotten into a new routine of waking up three times a night, and the last
thing they felt like doing was working the next day....
Another area that "normal" has wide variations is
in the area of post-motherhood sexuality. It is not uncommon for women who have
had babies to feel differently about themselves, including their sexuality. Not
only does their body image change, affecting their idea of how sexy they look,
but also their mental image changes and affects how sexy they FEEL. When you are
using your body all day to care for an infant and sometimes feel more like a
machine that a human being, it can be difficult to switch off and switch on your
sexuality. Other women find looking after an infant a very sensual thing, so it
is easier for them to stay in touch with their sexuality. If it is a problem for
you however, try to discuss the issue with your partner and let them know how
you feel.
An emotional connection with your partner is even more important than
a physical one at this stage. Partners often don't appreciate the immense
physical and emotional changes a woman can go through when she has a child, so
Dads please be patient and willing to learn about what it is like for your
baby's mother - the more supported they feel the easier it will be for them to
go from an emotional connection to a sensual one to a sexual one...
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Expectations of our partners:
The first few months are over. By necessity you had to focus all your time
and attention on your new baby, but now things are starting to settle down, it
is a good time to re-connect with your partner. Chances are they may have been a
little left out of all the bonding that went on between you and your baby, and
now is a great time to include them. Dads, now is a great time to let your
partner know how you would like to be included.
Some new mums are so overwhelmed with all the new responsibilities that they
have that they are afraid to share some of them with new dads because they are
either anxious that things won't be done as well as they think they should, or
they are embarrassed to ask for help from their partners, or both. Remember, it
takes more than one pair of hands to look after a baby, and like you, no-one
loves your child more than your child's father, therefore no-one is better
qualified to look after the baby with you. Also, if your partner is excluded
they may feel resentful, and this could cause problems. So if they offer help,
TAKE IT AND GIVE THEM A BIG KISS AND A THANK YOU! The more your partner is
involved in your baby's day to day care, the more bonded they will feel and
the more grateful you will be for their help.
It is also important to remember that you and your partner were a team before
you were a family, and take some non-baby time out just for the two of you. In
the long term, THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR BABY IS HAVE A FANTASTIC
RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR OTHER PARENT. A happy, stable family gives your baby a secure
base from which to develop - physically, intellectually and emotionally. If
you need more relationship support you can find it in the "Couple
Support" section.
SOME SUGGESTIONS:
 | Make
time to spend together when the baby is asleep
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| Continue
to be affectionate to each other. All humans, babies and adults alike take
comfort from a loving touch.
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| Leave
the baby occasionally with someone you trust and have an evening out.
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| Even
though your baby's needs will take first place for a while, be aware that
your partner has needs too.
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| Communicate
on a regular basis
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For single parents: if you are not with your baby's father, but they want to
be a part of your baby's life, then for the benefit of your child, it is vitally
important that you minimise any conflict between you and work out the terms of
your relationship with each other and the relationship between each of you with
your child. It is even more important for separated couples to learn to
communicate and work out differences in parenting styles, expectations etc.
because if you don't, it will be your child that will likely suffer most. If you
need more support in this area you can find it through the home page.
Nurturing your relationship with your infant:
They say that an ounce of prevention is better than a pound
of cure. It is now a good time to think ahead to what sort of parent you want to
be before the challenges of the toddler stage. Search the net for "parenting
styles" and start thinking about what sort of behaviour you want to encourage
or discourage in your child. Make sure you involve your partner in this - some of the most
heated conflicts between parents can be disagreements regarding what is
appropriate behaviour and discipline of
children. It is also better for your children if you provide a fair, consistent and
united front. In the mean time, enjoy the infant stage and we'll meet up with
you again in the next...
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RESOURCES:
Books:
"The Best Friends Guide to Surviving the First Year of Motherhood"
- Vicki Iovine
"What to Expect the First Year" - Arlene Eisenberg, Heidi E.
Murkoff and Sandee E. Hathaway
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