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Parenthood is often regarded by couples as the
most amazing journey they have ever experienced, and the better their
relationship, the more they have been able to enjoy the ride.
Whilst having a baby is for the most part an
overwhelmingly positive experience, a couple will also be presented with
challenges they have never had to face before:
supporting three people on one wage, overcoming differences in parenting styles
and adjusting to changes in daily routines, for example.
For any job in the workplace there is some sort
of training program. You have to do a course, be supervised or mentored and your
work evaluated for a period of time. We have to do some sort of training to
learn any new skill whether it be driving a car, making a quilt or creating a
spreadsheet.
Childcare workers train for approximately three years in order to
do the same responsibilities that parents have in the home. Yet parents are
given no preparation for parenthood apart from what they learn about birth and
basic newborn care in an ante-natal class. This sets up the expectation in
people that they either should know everything they need to know to be a parent
and/or there is nothing to learn. Both these assumptions are false.
There is a
formal support system put in place for us before our babies are born,
but not afterwards: we are not given stress management skills to cope with the
stress, conflict resolution skills to cope with conflict, or change management
skills to  cope with change. We are left to our own devices to muddle through the
confronting and confusing issues that come up when two become three, with no
formal program of guidance or support.
Every couple should have the
option of preparing themselves to be a family. It is much much easier to learn
to do things the right way from the start than it is to unlearn bad habits and
re-learn good ones. There are lots of excellent books, videos, web-sites and
courses out there to teach you how to be a great parent - how to set examples
for your children, how to raise their levels of self-esteem, how to discipline
inappropriate behaviour.
Most of the literature available for new parents
focuses on identifying and meeting the needs of their baby,
and this is vitally important. What is also vitally important, but very much neglected, is that new parents have needs too. Some of these needs are
specific to the mother or to the father, and some of these needs are shared by
both. The challenge is for couples to become aware of their needs,
articulate them, and negotiate the best way that those needs can be met.
From
your child's point of view, one of the very, very best things you can do for
your baby is to have a great relationship with their other parent. Whatever sort
of relationship we have with our partner, our children will grow up considering
it as "normal". If we have a good relationship, where we trust each
other, like each other and talk easily together most of the time, our children
will grow up expecting to be in a similar type of relationship. If we are in a
not-so-good-relationship, our children will also grow up considering this
"normal" and will expect something similar for themselves when they
grow up.
The
quality of their parent's relationship also contributes to a child's sense of
security in the world. For them it is like a safety net - something that they
can count on when they need it most. Parents' relationships also affect a
child's ability to relate to other people, as well as contributing to their
self-esteem and sense of identity. So, although you will be incredibly busy with
raising your children, and of course caring for their needs is paramount, be
sure to remember that your child's very existence is a celebration of the
relationship that the two of you share. If you need additional support in this
area, refer to the topics on this page, or in the "Extra Support"
section.
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Resources:
Books:
"Getting
the Love You Want" - Harville J. Hendricks
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