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Conflict between parents happens for a number of reasons.
In the newborn stage it is usually because parents are reacting to the stress
that occurs when we are going through an intense period of adjustment, combined
with extreme sleep deprivation. First arguments often centre around finances,
housework and how to best settle a crying infant. In the next stage arguments
are commonly about finances, housework and infant routines. In the toddler stage
it is usually about (yes, you guessed it!) finances, housework and discipline
issues (are you getting the drift!!) - essentially conflicts usually centre
around what issues are stressing him (eg. finances), what issues are stressing
her (eg. housework) and what is stressing them both (how to best raise their
child).
Never have a couple been so polarised as when they are
defending their rights of parenthood when those "rights" are in conflict
with their partner. For example, what happens when a mother
thinks her child should be toilet trained when she reaches her second birthday but the
father thinks she should be toilet trained when she is ready, regardless of her
age? Or when a
father hates the mess created when a toddler tries to feed himself, but a mother
knows it is good for his independence?
You will be confronted by a myriad of
choices and decisions every day about the best way to raise your children.
The trick is to approach these situations as a team. Recognise that these are
new situations for you. You are not expected to know the answers straight away.
Be prepared to learn as you go. Be willing to try new things, to change your
mind, to see what does and doesn't work. Discuss with your partner how you
feel and what you think along the way. Agree to compromise where you can, or
agree to disagree, but know that each opinion is of value, even if they are in
conflict.
Try to see your partner's point of view always - their point of
view is equally as important as yours as far as your children are concerned.
When you are working as a team - everything becomes easier. This is especially
important when the baby becomes older. Toddlerhood is the stage when for the
first time ever, instead of the couple engaging in a two-way power struggle, the
family is involved in a three-way power struggle: the child is asserting
his or her needs as well.
UNDERNEATH ANY ISSUE THERE ARE NEEDS.
INSTEAD OF FIGHTING ABOUT THE ISSUE, FIND OUT WHAT THE UNDERLYING NEEDS ARE -
YOURS, YOUR PARTNER'S, YOUR CHILD'S AND TALK INSTEAD ABOUT GETTING NEEDS MET
One of the greatest needs we all share is the need to be
listened to. OFTEN WE ARE FIGHT ING FOR THE RIGHT TO BE HEARD. People often feel
that if they listen to the other person then they are losing the argument. In
reality, you both lose because if it is more important for you to be right than
to actually come to an agreement then you will always be sending mixed messages
to your child, and they will lose as well. Listening is a skill you will both
benefit from, but more importantly if you can actively listen to your child it
will do wonders for their self-esteem. Practice listening with each other so you
are experts at listening to your child.
Repeated and/or intense conflict has a devastating effect
on young children. If you are having trouble resolving any problems between you
- either your disagreements turn into arguments that aren't resolved, or you
find yourself sweeping things under the carpet, or hoping issues will go away by
themselves, NOW is the time to seek help. The longer issues remain unresolved,
the more damage can be done to a relationship. There are so many resources out
there now for new parents - books, videos, courses, counselling. Those
services exist for a reason. And the main reason is that many people don't go
into relationships with the attitude and skills that they need in order to
sustain the relationship in the long term. This is not their fault, there is no
reason to seek someone to blame. We were not provided with any relationship
skills as part of our school or university education - we were just expected
to "know" this stuff, or pick it up haphazardly along the way.
SOME SUGGESTIONS:
THE BEST THING FOR YOUR BABY
IS TO HAVE TWO PARENTS WHO LOVE EACH OTHER.
Back to top
RESOURCES:
Books:
"The Couple's Journey" and "Beyond the Power
Struggle" - both by Susan M. Campbell PhD
"Really Relating" - Jansen & Newman
"Getting the Love You Want" - Harville J. Hendricks
"Do I have to Give Up Me to be Loved By You?" - Jordan &
Margaret Paul
Web sites:
www.parentlineplus.org.uk has
a useful article on conflict in the "Parents" section of the site
www.interrelate.org.au runs
couple communication courses called "Talking Together" and
"Fighting Fair" in NSW, Australia
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