COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Most problems in relationships occur,
not because there is anything wrong with either partner, but rather because there are problems in the way they relate to each other. There are two parts to communicating: talking and listening, and it is easy to have problems with both.

Ineffective talking include blaming, criticising or nagging. These things are ineffective because as soon as we blame, criticise or nag, our partners "switch off" or become defensive, and not only do we not get our message across to them, but we can make things worse. Blaming, criticising or nagging, believe it or not, are often a way of trying to make a connection with our partner but in a way that doesn't leave us vulnerable. Below the anger is often feelings of hurt or sadness, but we don't communicate those feelings to our partner because we are afraid that they may hurt us more. So we blame, criticise or nag in order to try to change our partner so they don't hurt us again. All we do, however, is push them further away.

Ineffective listening includes daydreaming, interrupting and exiting (walking out). Daydreaming, interrupting and exiting are often ways of regulating anxiety, avoiding a conflict or protecting yourself. If your partner is making a genuine effort to speak to you, you owe it to them to listen to what they are trying to communicate to you. Even better, you can both help each other find a way to communicate in a way that you are both comfortable with. Listening without judging, retaliating or interrupting is a very, very difficult skill to master but probably one of the most important. We feel most validated when someone makes the effort to hear us, especially if they can hear not only the words, but the feelings behind them. Practice listening to each other so that by the time your children are talking, you will be able to validate them in the same way. It will do wonders for their self-esteem.

Certain physical states also make effective communication difficult. When you are stressed, physically exhausted, sleep deprived or hungry it is easy to become impatient and snappy. Following the birth of a baby it is common to experience all these states at the same time. If there is an important issue that needs resolving between you, arrange to make some time when you are both rested to discuss it.

SOME SUGGESTIONS:

	It is possible to love someone dearly and be angry at them at the same time. Reassure your partner that whilst you are angry/sad/hurt about this issue, that you still love them. This often takes a lot of the heat out of an issue and goes a long way to resolving it.
	You don't always have to agree on everything. You are two individuals, and it is natural that you may think differently about an issue. You can always agree to disagree, or compromise, or you might decide to do something your partner's way if it means a lot to them, but not a lot to you
	If you have great intentions, but can't seem to get it right, often the most supportive environment to practice any new communication skills is with a trained relationship counsellor. They can guide you through the motions until you are a natural. See the "Community Support" section for a counsellor in your area.
	Remember that you are a team when it comes to raising your child
	Make a commitment to yourself that no matter how you feel you will speak to your partner respectfully. That is the least you owe your child's other parent.
	If you stuff up, it's OK. It was one more attempt at practice, and you can do better next time. Remember to apologise to your partner. It shows respect to them, and respect for yourself.

RESOURCES:

Books:

"Really Relating" - Jansen & Newman

"Getting the Love You Want" - Harville J. Hendricks

Courses:

"Talking Together" and "Fighting Fair" - two courses run by NSW organisation Interrelate. Call 9747 3988 or find more information on their web site below.

Web Sites:

www.interrelate.org.au

www.lifeinnovations.com an American site with international links for information on Prepare/Enrich communication courses for couples

Disclaimer: The information contained in this web-site is of a general nature only, and is not meant to be used as advice for individual problems. If you have particular concerns about yourself, your partner or your child you should seek support from a professional counsellor or health practitioner. The author does not take any responsibility for the effects of your use of this information.