MANAGING STRESS

Any life-changing event like starting a new career, getting married or having a baby is inherently stressful simply because it really does change your life, and people generally find change stressful.

Everyone accepts that stress is a normal part of any job. We recognise that having to meet deadlines, manage budgets, do presentations, be evaluated on our work are all stress- provoking aspects of a job. If you talk to friends and family about work stresses they would probably be sympathetic and supportive.

Being a parent can be incredibly stressful at times. Changing the nappy of a wriggling baby, dodging toast bullets from a cranky toddler or tidying a house that is trashed ten minutes later is stressful. So is carrying a wayward child whilst doing the shopping and navigating a wobbly trolley with one hand. What about driving with a screaming baby or nursing a sick child with a high fever? Not to mention always being late for appointments, forgetting to put nappies in the nappy bag, or trying to hold things together on four hours sleep. Curiously, friends and family that don't have small children may not be supportive if you describe any of these situations as stressful. It is almost as if talking about the stressful aspects of parenting is taboo - that you are seen to be complaining, or that you are judged to be a bad parent or that you are "not coping".

However, there are aspects of parenting that ARE stressful and one of the best things you can do for yourself, your partner and your children is to recognise this and learn to manage your stress levels. Don't feel guilty or inadequate if you find that you are stressed, it doesn't mean that you don't love your children, or that you don't love being a parent. It is completely normal to love certain aspects of your role whilst totally disliking others.

Take responsibility for your stress - give yourself permission to feel stressed when it happens and work towards dealing with the situation. Try to work out what it is that stresses you, and why, and discuss this with your partner, or an understanding friend. Some stresses are easy to identify, like a crying baby or an over-tired toddler. See if you can come up with any ideas ahead of time on how to deal with these situations. If, despite your best efforts, you can't minimise the stressor (the outside situation that is stressing you), then work on how you can relieve the stress build-up that is happening INSIDE you.

Stress often builds up in our bodies, sometimes to the point where we feel we are going to "explode". Learn the signs of stress so you can manage your stress early on, before you get close to "losing it". If you need more support in this area, there are plenty of books and stress-management courses available.

Some stresses are harder to identify and harder to articulate. One of the stresses of parenthood is often feeling like you are constantly sharing yourself - like you're giving yourself away, or losing yourself. This is best dealt with talking to someone who feels the same way, developing an interest or activity that is not parent-related and/or having some time to yourself. If you need more support here, you might find it useful to explore identity and self-esteem issues with a trained counsellor.

SOME SUGGESTIONS:

	Have some time to yourself - have a cuppa, read a magazine or call a friend.
	Get moving. Stress hormones build up in our system - but exercise gets rid of them. If you can't get out on your own, put the baby in the pram and go, go, go!
	Treat yourself to something nice.
	If you can find anything funny about the situation, go ahead and laugh - this releases stress hormones.
	Ask for help when you need it and let yourself accept help when its offered.
	Make sure you eat well, exercise and rest on a regular basis.
	Nurture yourself - put on some soothing music, take a long bath or shower, or burn some essential oils.
	Learn some yoga, meditation or relaxation techniques. You can do this with a tape, video or on-line.
	Spend some time in nature - in the garden or with the pot plants.
	Have a good cry if you need to, this also releases stress hormones.
	Get a hug. Rules of hugging: the one who needs the hug is the first one to let go.
	Expect that each stage will have its challenges. The newborn stage is like an endurance sport. For 6-8 weeks you are physically exhausted, sleep deprived and have little time to rest and relax. The toddler stage can be both physically and mentally taxing. Prepare yourself by reading ahead.
	Communicate with your "higher power" if you have one. Being in touch with your spirituality, whatever that means for you, is very comforting in lots of ways.
	Expect that you will both react differently to stress. It is common for women to want to talk things through. It is common for men to want to have some time to themselves to do something they find relaxing. When Mum wants to talk at the same time that Dad wants to spend an hour on the computer by himself (or vice versa), this can cause resentment if you don't understand that this is one way your partner manages their stress levels. We all need stress relief. It helps us greatly if our partners can help us meet our needs to cope with stress. Perhaps Dad can set aside some time each day to listen to Mum and perhaps Mum can give Dad some space to do his own thing.
	Share the stress. For example, if you find doctor or dental appointments for your child particularly stressful, then go with your partner as well, or take turns taking your child. When only one parent has to do the particularly stressful chores on their own it can lead to feelings of resentment. On the other hand, if you can share the stress with your partner it can bring you closer together.

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RESOURCES:

Web Sites:

There are numerous sites covering "stress management for parents", thank goodness!

www.wailana.com is a yoga site that has a nice meditation

Disclaimer: The information contained in this web-site is of a general nature only, and is not meant to be used as advice for individual problems. If you have particular concerns about yourself, your partner or your child you should seek support from a professional counsellor or health practitioner. The author does not take any responsibility for the effects of your use of this information.