| |
 Welcome back!!
Where has all the time gone? Now you look back
you probably feel
that the newborn and infant stages went all too quickly. The toddler stage still
feels like it went on forever...but suddenly our little babies are children. Now is a
good time to look back and reflect on all the time and effort you have put in to
raising your little person. Give yourself a huge pat on the back. If you have
made it this far, you have done very, very well.
EXPECTATIONS
OF THIS STAGE
Expectations of ourselves:
At some point in time over the past few years, it may be difficult to
pinpoint exactly when, many Mums may have experienced a shift in responsibilities -
spent less time caring for your child and more time caring for your house -
which turned you more into a housewife than a mother. Many women are happy to
spend their time this way but many others who have experienced that shift become
bored and/or restless and/or frustrated and/or depressed. If this is the case
for you, now is a good time to think about what you want to do, or to be, as well
as being a mother. So much of parenthood is a juggling act - juggling to meet
our needs, the needs of our partner, and the needs of our children. For more
information on needs, see the "Managing Needs" in the "Couple
Support" section.
As our children get older and more independent, the more
we can restore the balance in our lives. Many parents find that their childrens'
lives are so full with school or kindergarten activities, sports and/or dancing,
birthday parties etc. etc. that there is very little time for anything else. Try
to make some time for yourself to exercise, to relax, and to do things that are
important to you. Your children would much rather have happy and content parents
than a busy social life.
Expectations of our partners:
The less nurturing our children need, the more we can nurture ourselves and
our partners. Now is a good time to address any issues that have been put aside
because you were giving your time and energy to your children. If you feel
comfortable leaving your children with in-laws or babysitters, spend some time
just with your partner to re-connect, and make it a regular priority. You have
been through a lot of changes together over the last few years, and have
probably spent a lot of your time and energy just coping with the challenges of
parenthood. Now is a good time to look ahead and make some plans for the next
few years. What do you want them to look like? What steps do you have to put in
place to get you there? You can get more relationship support in the
"Couple Support" section.
Expectations of our children:
The
older our children get the more they are exposed to influences outside the home
- pre-school friends, teachers at school, neighbourhood peers. Issues that you
will probably be confronted with still centre around children's behaviour. Some
behaviours may be part of our children's personality, and it doesn't matter how
much we try to change them, it is not possible. In fact, we can do damage to our
children's self-esteem if we try too hard. The trick is to work out what and how
to change the behaviours you can, and how to
manage the ones you can't.
The best way to influence our children's
behaviour is BY EXAMPLE. Children learn behaviour by modelling their parents. We
often don't realise that we have such an influence over our children, or that
our parents had such an influence over us until much later in life. Think about
how you do things around your house, or the decisions you make - chances are
you do things that way simply because that's what your parents did. If we want a
considerate, polite child we have to be considerate and polite. We won't necessarily see results the next day - it may take years to realise
that we did the right thing - but children are a long-term investment and we
need to make deposits every day to get the rewards.
Back to top
SOME SUGGESTIONS
 |
Make sure your expectations of your children are in line with your child's
level of development and your child's personality.
|
|
Try to keep your discipline positive.
Focus on what you do want them to do, not on what you don't want them to do.
Eg. "I'd like you to pick up your clothes" rather than "don't
leave your clothes lying around". Children (and adults) tend to zone out as soon as they
hear the words "don't", "you always", "you never"
or "you should".
|
|
Be overt in communicating your expectations to your child.
You might think your child knows you expect them to keep their rooms tidy, but
"tidy" means different things to different people.
For example you could say something like: "I want you to make your bed, put the books in
the bookcase and put the cars into the yellow box". You could ask your child to repeat
your instructions back to you and praise them for remembering what they can, then
remind them of any bits they have left out.
|
|
Eradicate criticism from your vocabulary. Not only is
criticism NOT an effective disciplinary tool, constant criticism erodes a
child's self-esteem. An eroded self-esteem leads to all sorts of problems. If
you speak to or treat your child in a way that makes them think you don't value
them, they will consider themselves worthless and this can lead to emotional and
behavioural problems.
For example, saying something like "You're hopeless, you never pick up your clothes. You're such a slob"
encourages a child to
think of themselves as a hopeless slob, means they will lower their
expectations of themselves, and behave accordingly.
|
|
Separate your child's feelings from their behaviour by
validating the
feeling a nd disciplining the behaviour. For example, if your older child hits
his/her
younger sibling say " I can see that you are angry. Its OK to be angry, but
it's not OK to hit your sister. Use your words and tell her". You might not
get results straight away, but your child's behaviour could be very different
in one, two, five, ten or even twenty years from now if they learn very clearly
from an early age how to express themselves with words and that VIOLENCE IS NOT OK.
|
|
Your attitude towards your child and your evaluation of
them shapes their personality. If you have faith that your
child can learn to do things more competently, and communicate this to them, they will develop faith in
themselves and a willingness to try.
In short, if you love and value your child and communicate
this to them they will love and value themselves. |
Having a baby is a miracle. Raising a healthy, happy child
takes a lot of time and effort. Give yourself and your partner recognition for the parts you
have played in this journey that you have taken together. Finally,
remember also to love and value each other for what you have done, and continue
to do every day: create your own family history.
Back to top
RESOURCES
Books:
"Your Child's Self-Esteem" - Dorothy Corkille Briggs
"The Challenging Child" and "Playground Politics"
- Stanley Greenspan
"The Difficult Child" - Stanley Turecki
Web Sites:
www.parent.net.au/
|
